Today is our 18th Wedding Anniversary. We got married on the beach in Tulum, Mexico with 30 of our friends and family. I remember having a sense of calm that day as I knew I was marrying my person.
When I got sick in 2011, my Husband was my sole support for most of the 6 years I was deathly ill, partly due to the fact I did not have a diagnosis other than a ruptured appendix, but that’s for another date. I don’t know how he didn’t crumble under that pressure. He truly is my ROCK! So, I asked him what the hardest things were for him in his role being my caregiver. This is what he had to say.
In our case, it was finding a work-life balance. Imagine being the sole earner in a household and being interrupted at work because your spouse was in the hospital again. How do you commit to a job when you may have to leave at any moment and during peak times? This was me when I left the house…
That was his reality on a regular basis. To this day, he panics when he can’t reach me, doesn’t know where I am, and when I call him unexpectedly. This isn’t him being overbearing. It’s because I passed out a lot, would have absent episodes, and had abdominal pain that made me feel like I was dying frequently. PTSD isn’t just for sepsis survivors, it affects our care team as well. Only in recent years has he been comfortable with me taking transit, going to events, and traveling without him. Lucky for us he was in a management position with good job security or he may have been fired. Plus, his benefits pay for all my medications.
Not knowing what was going to happen next was so difficult for someone as organized as him. He’s a planner and likes knowing who, what, where, when, why, and how at all times. A spouse recovering from multiple sepsis infections sure throws a wrench into that plan. The anxiety I’ve caused this man guilts me, especially because I’m only grasping the severity of it now. Not 13 years ago when all this was happening.
I mentioned earlier that he is the sole earner in our relationship. That is stressful! I have monthly CPP Disability payments but that doesn’t even cover our rent. So regardless of job satisfaction, his health, or pandemics, he has to work.
We used to be a double income no kids household, so losing half the money has been an adjustment. We sold a vehicle to keep our house that we eventually lost anyway.
We were in the process of doing IVF to start a family but sepsis had other plans for us. Not having our own kids ended up being a blessing because he couldn’t work, look after me & raise the kids. Lucky for us we have two special beings who call us their backup parents.
When my Husband and I first started dating we were each other’s ride-or-die. He lost me to illness for a good decade. We are very lucky to still be in love. He has never voiced wanting to but I gave him the opportunity to leave me. I used to be a glam girl, a vivacious entertainer who now lived in jammies and our big outing was Costco every week, or at least the weeks I was healthy enough to go. This was not the life he signed up for and I felt immense responsibility to let him experience all that life had to offer. Lucky for me he takes in sickness and in health to heart.
I have reached a level of recovery where I can now contribute to our relationship. When I can function, I make sure to accompany him on trips to do our weekly chores because for years he went solo. I have now become his sous chef. Why don’t I cook? Because I’m a disaster in the kitchen. I made spaghetti sauce once and it ended up on the ceiling.
For the most part, I do the household chores, not because I believe in traditional gender roles, but because I feel he works all day and I don’t want him to come home and have to work some more.
I am also trying hard to reclaim my femininity. I want to look good for myself and him. We may be middle-aged but intimacy is still a big part of our marriage and it was minimal for a long time. When you’re chronically ill, sex is the last thing on your mind and I didn’t exactly look inviting. I’m usually wearing my sexiest pajamas, socks, no make-up, and glasses. Lastly, I am taking courses to obtain the skills I need to return to the workforce in some capacity. I don’t know what that looks like yet, but I am trying.
We’ve made it this far, 22.5 years together and 18 of them married. Even in the dark, we were still able to find the light. Getting married is the easy part. Staying in love is what is hard. Fortunately, we grew together instead of apart and now we can coast into our golden years TOGETHER!
