Little did I know that coming out of my shell would be the biggest challenge of surviving sepsis.
I understand your disbelief. Before sepsis, I was boisterous, bubbly, and perhaps even arrogant. I was told to have some humble pie, so sepsis served that up by the truckload 3 times.
But sepsis left me a shell of my former self, and I didn’t know how to get HER back. This new being had panic attacks, was reclusive, and disinterested in everything that had previously brought me so much joy. Part of it was the INTENSE chronic pain I was in, but the other part was that person I was died from sepsis.
I had lost my bad bitch energy, and I think I got it back!
What’s Changed?
I was recently asked this at a BBQ, and honestly, it’s not exactly finite. I mean, I’m walking, doing yoga, learning new skills, keeping myself busy, and becoming social again, but the biggest facilitator of change has been time. I needed time to heal, physically and emotionally.
Scientifically Speaking
Sepsis, like any critical illness, is not cured when you leave the hospital. That’s just the beginning. Because your entire body has had an inflammatory response to infection, all your organs are affected, especially the brain. This is due to a lack of oxygen and the disruption of the blood-brain barrier. Sepsis can affect the brain like a traumatic brain injury that is invisible. For instance, I’ve had a migraine for 7 years that is not visible on any scan, yet it’s my daily reality.
I can’t claim to have had an eidetic memory, but my recall was once awesome. Now, if I don’t put it on a list, my thought is gone. The good news is that the brain can be rewired by learning, reading, practicing mindfulness, and prioritizing sleep. Going back to school was intimidating, but life-changing in my brain healing. Now, the research I do keeps my brain engaged and continues to improve its neuroplasticity.
Also, mood disorders are common after sepsis because of the heavy narcotics and sedatives used to treat it. Then you add in the losses of quality of life (which I wrote about here), and you’re left in a mental health crisis.
Fortunately, cognitive behavior therapy and medication worked for me. In a perfect world, mental health will be part of the discharge care plan for all critical illness patients. I have yet to meet a survivor who is the same as they were prior to illness and who didn’t travel the dark path in their recovery, whether they acknowledge it or not.
In fact, 50% of sepsis survivors suffer from Post-Sepsis Syndrome. It’s the same as Long-COVID or Post-ICU Syndrome. The Sepsis Alliance does a really good job of explaining this phenomenon.
Safe In My Bubble
I felt people did not want to be around me in my new state. I wasn’t fun Shannon anymore. They didn’t and don’t believe I suffered as much as I did, and that my detriments were laughable. When someone gets cancer, people visit, cook for you, and fundraise to help you survive while convalescing. When you have undiagnosed sepsis 3-times, you get judgment from those closest to you. I lost almost everyone who I thought I could count on.
So, I discovered this thing called boundaries. I don’t engage with people who don’t feel SAFE! Sometimes I feel guilty about cutting people out of my life, but my peace is more valuable than anything! I’m done trying to be who people want me to be and am finally living life as my authentic self. How freeing is that?
New Lease on Life
Now I’m at a point where I can plan for the future. I do a lot of work from home. I’m reestablishing friendships and starting new ones. I even leave my house on a regular basis because I’ve discovered the healing is in my new community.
I recognize the gifts I’ve been given. My husband lived this with me. The fact that we stayed together proves our love is infinite.
We have a simple life, but it’s a good life! I’ve been living my best life this summer!
I finally feel safe to come out of my self-imposed shell!
